retracing my steps.

i was on twitter just now, and im trying to put all the pieces together on why i say some of the reckless shit i say on twitter, especially about my sexuality, or lack thereof, really. you ever like, retrace your thoughts from over the years? i just did, and i got a strange reality check.

i think my insecurities about myself and my body and everything rooted from the fifth grade when i went to a new school, Lawrence Woodmere Academy. it was so white, there were deadass only 4 black kids in my fifth grade class, myself included, and there was only one fifth grade class, so you can only imagine. now, the one other black girl wasnt my friend cuz she made it into the 'popular crew, and the other two were obv, guys and they were well liked too. i was left with the misfits, and even they didnt like me from time to time. you wold think that we werent that developed in thinking back then, but honestly, i felt like we were already in high school in that place.

anyways, i tried so desperately to try to get on the good side of those popular girls, but they wouldnt budge. i said and did the most OUTLANDISH things possible, and any little attention they gave me, i ate it up, only for it to be gone by the end of the day. even in the locker room one time, the girls were talking about how they knew some of us wanted to be best friends with them, i remember saying under my breath & kind of out loud that they had no idea, and they LAUGHED at me. =/ to understand at 9 or 10 years old that girls didnt wanna even CONSIDER letting you be 'popular' was a shot in the heart, deadass. even at the end of the year, one of thie kids was gonna have a summer party and the other black girl, jestina let it slip to me that it was happening, and this kid got soo tight at her cuz he motioned that i wasnt invited. trust me, by then i kind of had given up, but i was still sad nonetheless. i ended up, obviously, surviving without their friendship. but either way, it was a serious blow to my self-esteem.

as i look back on that dreadful year, i also recall another incident: my best friend at te time, nicole, took the cheese bus home with a bunch of other kids in her neighborhood. now, keep in mind, this school goes from pre-k to 12th grade. she and i made friends with this one ninth grader, zach, and his best friend whose name i dont remember at all. anyways one day, nicle came to me and told me that the only reason he talked to me after school was that he wanted to have sex with me. like, WTF DO YOU WANT WITH A FIFTH GRADER?! c'mon son! i wass so shocked, i laughed it off. i simply told her to tell zach that i wasnt that kind of girl. then i went home and REALLY thought about it, and how scared i was cuz nicole didnt tell him that i knew, and i was scared shitless that he would still try to touch me, ambush me in the bathroom or somewhere else on the school's humongous grounds. the next day, i went to one of my teachers and told her, shaking and crying. she told the dean, and zach had said he only said it as a joke. he ended up getting suspended.

i think back on this & im like daaaaaaaaaamn, like, im really fucked up. i always knew this one school year of my life altered the way i felt about myself, but now im REALLY thinking about it, that after 10 years, this is still affecting the way i think about myself and how i go about my life. im extremely shy. i dont really let guys into my life. i trash talk myself no matter how many people try to reassure me otherwise because i think theyre just saying it just to say it. im paranoid most of the time because i dont know how people really feel about me. i even think im still a virgin because my mind subconsciously reminds me of this time in my life. i dunno, its just something im recognizing. i think i need a bit of help to pry away from these feelings.

shit, now that i know, i dont even know how to even feel about this. =/

its getting cold outside...

the cold weather brings about feelings of wanting to stay inside with your booski and just cuddle and such. i have had no such luck in having a booski to settle with. im not bitter about it, but it'd be nice. i was driving just now and i didnt realize how much i miss my best friend, even though he did me wrong. after i let go of all the anger and i calmed down after the whole ordeal and pages and pages of txts, i realized i acted irrational and i blew the whole thing out of proportion. i guess it was just the principle of the thing that made me so angry. but now all i wanna do is for him to come over my house like before and we just hang out semi platonically. is that so wrong? i dont know how to feel about this anymore.

mehhhhh.

:(

is it a crime to want that old thing back?

can it be wrong to miss the way you used to kiss me?

back in the day,

back to the way you used to love me...

sigh. i think im in over my head.

cant believe that its over, baby.

its over.

it's done.

i finally did it.

i finally let go.

well, maybe not all the way.

the good news is, we're still friends. the bad news is, no more free nookie for antoinette :( / ;) look, im not ashamed. i welcome such things [with him anyways], even if it is ill-gotten. [to a certain extent, of course.] but anyways, yeah. i had to let him know that i wasnt gonna stand for being second anymore. i told him to get his shit together and come talk to me when he gets his feelings in order. i have too much shit on my plate as it is to worry about whether the fuck not he's gonna leave his girlfriend for me. nope. no time for that. life is moving on, and its moving hella fast. no time for games and bullshit. hes my best friend, and i love him, whether its on those terms or something deeper. its gonna take a while to fully erase everything ive gone through with him, cuz for the past few days, i was hoping and praying that i could take it all back, that i never liked him, never fell for him, never messed around, never explored new territories [stop me if im getting to graphic, lmao.] but the fact of the matter is that i cant change any of it. when its my time, if its ever my time, it will come.

its pretty funny

that the meaning behind Lady GaGa's new song, Bad Romance is about being in love with your best friend, etc. its kinda like, finally, a song that explains why i cant move on. kinda. mostly i think it just voices exactly what my head is telling my heart.

so, despite some negative opinion, im getting, "je veux ton amour, et je veux ton revenge." tatted on me next week. :) im sorry, im a sucker. but that doesnt mean what i said in my last blog isnt what im gonna do. or whatever. i just like to blather so i can think straight.

anyhow, ive given up of the home exercises most ly cuz my body was howling at me, but that was a good thing. so i should really go work out after this. i have to get ready for gerards party somehow in the next week and a half. celery sticks and carrots for the win.

caught in a bad romance.

"nothing lasts forever and we both know that hearts can change... its hard to hold a candle in this cold november rain." - Guns N Roses.

sometimes i hate the feeling like, as mad as i am at somebody for what they did to me, i cant stop thinking about them. i found out from a friend of mine that my friend-with-shady-benefits did me reeeeeeaaalllll dirty, in all sense of the word, yet i catch myself thinking all these thoughts, some good, some bad. mostly of whats gonna happen next week when he comes home for vacation, and god forbid he tries to start something up, and im gonna muster up all the courage i have and the courage i know i dont have and shatter the fuck out of his ego. im entitled to it. my worry is that our friendship will finally be over after this because its been a year of this back and forth bullshit, me hating him, us not talking, rude comments, etc. not to mention the secrecy and pretending like nothing ever happened. i never talk about myself in a conceited fashion, but ive realized im too good for this. really i am. and best friend or not, im not gonna let anyone take any fucking advantage of me anymore. they say you cant help who you love, but right about now, fuck that love shit cuz im tired of this one sided-ness. deadass, if anything happens next week, once and for all, its done. the only thing i gotta wait to find out is if done means DONE.

...but idk if im ready to take that risk.

motivation.

i need something to look forward to so i can have some type motivation to lose this weight. i KINDA have one, but i wont put it cuz im what Noelle calls a BSAF [bull-shittin' ass female]. the reasons why i wanna lose this weight in the next week and a half is a disgrace on my part, so im going to ignore it and do what i wanna ! =)

also, i think im getting my tattoo next week ! im changing the location of the tat that says "the world will never do" cuz on my ribcage, i want a bible verse in french. now i have to start reading the bible :) lmaooooo.

go antoinette !

natural beauty.

going natural, hair wise. this is one of the best ideas ive had in a while, cuz the hasle of trying to take care and manage my hair in a million different ways i starting to kill me. no more braids for a hot damn while, jsyk. i cant. i really cant.

the next step though, is working my way down. im throwing away all my old cheap, broken makeup and starting anew. i dont know the first think about makeup, but im going out and getting some basic eyeliner, mascara, and two or three eyeshadows to start me off. im trying to work into this new look, even if it is for a little while. and then im working in my weightloss + wardrobe, etc.

but y'all already knew this. ;)

body mutilations.

tattoos:

- bow on my foot [i changed my mind].

- "the world will never do" on my ribcage.

- "je veux ton amour, et je veux ton revenge." on my hip.

piercings:

- industrial.

- nose ring for my birthday.

- surface piercing next to my tragus.

- snake eyes [ignore the cooked bitch, lol]

- aaaaand a bellybutton ring if i ever get skinny.

that is all. [?]

epidemic/pandemic.

niggas [meaning boys of our generation] simply do not know how to act.

yet they think theyre gonna get the best of me.

... they dont know im five steps ahead of them.

eat my dust.

deleted.

i removed my blog post not because im afraid, but because it was brought to my attention that although im entitled to vent, it was just ever so slightly petty of me. no more negative energy cuz when i go back and reread it, i'll just get mad. if ive done any damage already, so be it.

peace & love.

this should be my assignment, lol.

so i have to write an assignment for my second english class, and i havent the slightest idea what to write or how to write it. we came up with some 'philosophical' questions, questions that cant really be answered, but somehow we have to respond to it in any form we want. im not really artistically inclined: i cant write poetry, cant write a song either, which is basically the same thing, really. so im stuck for the most part.

the question im trying to answer, is, "what happens when your morals and taught/developed ethics conflict with your desires?" considering my last post, you can obviously tell what i was feeling at the moment.

i was taught, as we basically all were, to not give into temptation, and treat your body like a temple and stay a virgin until we're married and blah blah blah. all of that is important, but then life happens. in terms of me, im a virgin by choice, despite the fact that my love life lacks. but im not gonna get into that. im learning in philosophy that many philosophers believed that in order to "be one", you must deprive yourself of the appetites. at our age the most obvious is sex, which was the basis behind my question. but thats not the only one. some people desire to do certain things with their lives, or want to pursue a certain path. but theyre too worried about what people might think or whether or not, even though they think its the way to go, will it ultimately be beneficial to them in the long run? will it pan out the way they want it to, or will they fail and have to endure the ridicule and "i-told-you-so"'s?

i guess what the answer kinda is is that no matter what, you still have to take any slight chance, regardless of how you were taught or what the outcome may be. in my situation however, im gonna be a little bit more careful, because you have to be that way when it comes to matters of the heart. other than that, you can go about your business any which way because even though it might be against what you and others believe in, if you feel good about the outcome, then its good either way you spin it.

delirious !

okay, so i FINALLY got back into my blog, after resetting my stupid password, smh. but whatever, all is well with the world, and i can blog now !

[btw, my thoughts are really kinda jumbled up in this next one, but as im blogging, im trying to understand what happened monday night, so please forgive my rambling.]

hopefully my big brother or my cousin dont read this [but if you guys do, there was nothing i could do to avoid it], but if you've been following my twitter, you've noticed that im realizing the hard way that your conscience is not one to be fucked with.

my best friend rolls back into NY for Dominic Murray's funeral, God rest his soul. thats all fine and dandy. i was half expecting his arrival, but not for the reason i just stated. my mom & grandma were blowing my dxck cuz my entire family suspected something was up between us nearly two summers ago. in any case, he came over and we got caught up, and shot a game of billiards in my basement. we were nearly at the end of it when he points out an open button on my flannel shirt, literally pointing. i guess thats what caused the dominoes to fall, not to sound so cliche. its his cue to leave, so i walk him to the door, jokingly kicking him out and he refused to give me a hug. he just tells me to get on AIM, he had to 'holla at me about something real quick.'

this is not the first time this has happened, so i take the bait, expecting something stupid, because more often than not, that statement is almost always followed by something incredibly stupid and pointless, getting my hopes up for something i dont know what to expect, only leaving me feeling terribly idiotic. smh. [sorry about the run-on.]

sigh. long story short, he asked me if he could come over. naturally, i said yes, but instantly i regretted it, because i've heard it from many boys: when they ask to come over, theryre expecting something. then again, i didnt think anything much of it either, considering the last three weeks of his last visit were kinda hectic, and we had come to a parting of the ways; we would only be friends.

but, at 230am, he came through my basement door. and we sat on my couch, joking and lauging, watching king of the hill & the fresh prince. he slid his arm around my waist... and i gave in.

[hold your horses, now ! my business is still intact, in case you were wondering.] but we did hook up. worst part? his girlfriend's just a borough over. and i knew. and he knew. and now im going crazy because its wrong, yet it feels gooooood. i posted on my twitter last night this question: Is there a reason that no matter what, that which is intangible and unattainable is what we want the most? this is the age old question. [another cliche, yes, i know.] my insides are going nuts because i think i want him, but i cant have him because he's taken. and he's the kind of person that wont tell you how he feels, so another part of my insides keeps asking me if im just his sideline ho, cuz thats really what its looking like. im not proud saying any of this, but it is what it is. and really, as im typing thins, i really wish i had more respect for myself, because if i did, it is most likely that none of this would be happening. but, idk, i cant help it for some reason.

on the other side, im worried that if he ever does break up with his girlfriend, will he still have respect for me, or will he just bypass me, knowing that im somewhat easily accessible? i made the [i guess] mistake that if i ever thought to change my mind about losing my virginity before marriage, theres no one in the world i would trust more than him, because he is my best friend, and we have obviously had dealings in this subject matter before. he's not the kind of person that would take advantage of that, but in these times, i have to still be on the lookout for my feelings, dignity & self worth. oh, and dont even get me started on the karma end on this, because when it bites me in the ass for this, i cannot complain, and thats gonna kill me. :(

i didnt come to a conclusion with this blog, but now that i do have it back, im hoping that when i reread this, i'll have an answer.

bye for now. :)

fresh starts are always good.

with the first day of school looming near [even though some of you mightve started school already] i feel like i should set some legitimate goals for myself and stick to them. even though i just turnd 19 three months ago, 20 is just around the corner, and i feel like im not where i should be. and even though you should do you and not really give a fuck about what people say, its nice to step back and hear the praises youve been given, and although slightly embarrassing, listen to people brag about you, namely my mother and grandmother. imma keep it 100, the graduation thing was all fucked up, and i really havent been able to/done anything to bounce back from it. my cousin told me, 'you can lead a horse to water, but you cant make it drink.' or something like that, lol. people have been laying the foundation for me for the past couple of years and now its up to me to follow the paths, cuz no one can REALLY help me but myself. and i thank God that even though i know i cant help myself, i have people that care about me ohdee that have stuck by me throughout my greatest failure[s].

anyways, back to the original topic, my goals. and this time, theyre serious ones, not just how im gonna mutilate my body [that'll come later ;) lmao].

- register for school.

-get my GPA up.

- actually try to keep an open mind about st johns and try to make friends.

- find a well paying job, even in this recession. stj isnt gonna pay itself, smh. -___-

- i really wanna lose 20lbs cuz im tryna get healthy. looking good will be a side effect, lol.

- to gain focus and drive.

- to become more literary and well-rounded.

- spend more time with myself.

and theres more to come along the way cuz as each day passes, im gonna learn how to better myself even more, and part of living is about adapting to the change around me. and notice i didnt put anything about a boyfirend; im tryna worry about myself. niggas hese days dont know how to act, and im not tryna get all caught up and lose my focus. and besides, theres a rarity of boys who are gonna take me as i am, they just wanna find some next bitch for a quick fix and im not about that.

& thats all there is.

bye bestfriend?

bid my bffl of all my life adieu today. yuck why am i talking like this?

anyways, whatever.

idk how to feel about this. im not crying, although i have this pang in my head that tells me i should. and im feeling some type of way, cuz like, even though the goodbye was more formal than last year, it still feels like theres still some unanswered questions and unspoken statements. things kinda popped off [as well as clothes] so theres a void where an explanation should be. dont get me wrong, i was trying to avoid all this under all circumstances. this feeling, i mean. questioning, wondering, expectation. i forced myself not to become attached cuz i knew i wasnt allowed to. im still not, so why do i feel this way? i guess its because i am incapable of holding onto the thought and the belief that [most] things that happen between two people on a certain level can never be considered as not special. im incapable of understanding that you cant avoid a chemistry, no matter what kind it is. cuz eventually the chemicals will react, aly & aj said it best [dont judge me, lol.] sigh, but with that, it fizzles over, and you get what i got: a best friend you feel taboo feelings for, and him the same way. what do you do? wait it out. thats the best we CAN do.