[btw, my thoughts are really kinda jumbled up in this next one, but as im blogging, im trying to understand what happened monday night, so please forgive my rambling.]
hopefully my big brother or my cousin dont read this [but if you guys do, there was nothing i could do to avoid it], but if you've been following my twitter, you've noticed that im realizing the hard way that your conscience is not one to be fucked with.
my best friend rolls back into NY for Dominic Murray's funeral, God rest his soul. thats all fine and dandy. i was half expecting his arrival, but not for the reason i just stated. my mom & grandma were blowing my dxck cuz my entire family suspected something was up between us nearly two summers ago. in any case, he came over and we got caught up, and shot a game of billiards in my basement. we were nearly at the end of it when he points out an open button on my flannel shirt, literally pointing. i guess thats what caused the dominoes to fall, not to sound so cliche. its his cue to leave, so i walk him to the door, jokingly kicking him out and he refused to give me a hug. he just tells me to get on AIM, he had to 'holla at me about something real quick.'
this is not the first time this has happened, so i take the bait, expecting something stupid, because more often than not, that statement is almost always followed by something incredibly stupid and pointless, getting my hopes up for something i dont know what to expect, only leaving me feeling terribly idiotic. smh. [sorry about the run-on.]
sigh. long story short, he asked me if he could come over. naturally, i said yes, but instantly i regretted it, because i've heard it from many boys: when they ask to come over, theryre expecting something. then again, i didnt think anything much of it either, considering the last three weeks of his last visit were kinda hectic, and we had come to a parting of the ways; we would only be friends.
but, at 230am, he came through my basement door. and we sat on my couch, joking and lauging, watching king of the hill & the fresh prince. he slid his arm around my waist... and i gave in.
[hold your horses, now ! my business is still intact, in case you were wondering.] but we did hook up. worst part? his girlfriend's just a borough over. and i knew. and he knew. and now im going crazy because its wrong, yet it feels gooooood. i posted on my twitter last night this question: Is there a reason that no matter what, that which is intangible and unattainable is what we want the most? this is the age old question. [another cliche, yes, i know.] my insides are going nuts because i think i want him, but i cant have him because he's taken. and he's the kind of person that wont tell you how he feels, so another part of my insides keeps asking me if im just his sideline ho, cuz thats really what its looking like. im not proud saying any of this, but it is what it is. and really, as im typing thins, i really wish i had more respect for myself, because if i did, it is most likely that none of this would be happening. but, idk, i cant help it for some reason.
on the other side, im worried that if he ever does break up with his girlfriend, will he still have respect for me, or will he just bypass me, knowing that im somewhat easily accessible? i made the [i guess] mistake that if i ever thought to change my mind about losing my virginity before marriage, theres no one in the world i would trust more than him, because he is my best friend, and we have obviously had dealings in this subject matter before. he's not the kind of person that would take advantage of that, but in these times, i have to still be on the lookout for my feelings, dignity & self worth. oh, and dont even get me started on the karma end on this, because when it bites me in the ass for this, i cannot complain, and thats gonna kill me. :(
i didnt come to a conclusion with this blog, but now that i do have it back, im hoping that when i reread this, i'll have an answer.
bye for now. :)
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