retracing my steps.

i was on twitter just now, and im trying to put all the pieces together on why i say some of the reckless shit i say on twitter, especially about my sexuality, or lack thereof, really. you ever like, retrace your thoughts from over the years? i just did, and i got a strange reality check.

i think my insecurities about myself and my body and everything rooted from the fifth grade when i went to a new school, Lawrence Woodmere Academy. it was so white, there were deadass only 4 black kids in my fifth grade class, myself included, and there was only one fifth grade class, so you can only imagine. now, the one other black girl wasnt my friend cuz she made it into the 'popular crew, and the other two were obv, guys and they were well liked too. i was left with the misfits, and even they didnt like me from time to time. you wold think that we werent that developed in thinking back then, but honestly, i felt like we were already in high school in that place.

anyways, i tried so desperately to try to get on the good side of those popular girls, but they wouldnt budge. i said and did the most OUTLANDISH things possible, and any little attention they gave me, i ate it up, only for it to be gone by the end of the day. even in the locker room one time, the girls were talking about how they knew some of us wanted to be best friends with them, i remember saying under my breath & kind of out loud that they had no idea, and they LAUGHED at me. =/ to understand at 9 or 10 years old that girls didnt wanna even CONSIDER letting you be 'popular' was a shot in the heart, deadass. even at the end of the year, one of thie kids was gonna have a summer party and the other black girl, jestina let it slip to me that it was happening, and this kid got soo tight at her cuz he motioned that i wasnt invited. trust me, by then i kind of had given up, but i was still sad nonetheless. i ended up, obviously, surviving without their friendship. but either way, it was a serious blow to my self-esteem.

as i look back on that dreadful year, i also recall another incident: my best friend at te time, nicole, took the cheese bus home with a bunch of other kids in her neighborhood. now, keep in mind, this school goes from pre-k to 12th grade. she and i made friends with this one ninth grader, zach, and his best friend whose name i dont remember at all. anyways one day, nicle came to me and told me that the only reason he talked to me after school was that he wanted to have sex with me. like, WTF DO YOU WANT WITH A FIFTH GRADER?! c'mon son! i wass so shocked, i laughed it off. i simply told her to tell zach that i wasnt that kind of girl. then i went home and REALLY thought about it, and how scared i was cuz nicole didnt tell him that i knew, and i was scared shitless that he would still try to touch me, ambush me in the bathroom or somewhere else on the school's humongous grounds. the next day, i went to one of my teachers and told her, shaking and crying. she told the dean, and zach had said he only said it as a joke. he ended up getting suspended.

i think back on this & im like daaaaaaaaaamn, like, im really fucked up. i always knew this one school year of my life altered the way i felt about myself, but now im REALLY thinking about it, that after 10 years, this is still affecting the way i think about myself and how i go about my life. im extremely shy. i dont really let guys into my life. i trash talk myself no matter how many people try to reassure me otherwise because i think theyre just saying it just to say it. im paranoid most of the time because i dont know how people really feel about me. i even think im still a virgin because my mind subconsciously reminds me of this time in my life. i dunno, its just something im recognizing. i think i need a bit of help to pry away from these feelings.

shit, now that i know, i dont even know how to even feel about this. =/