enough's enough.

saturday was a little rough for me. i guess you can say that i finally set the record straight with my mom. we're always fighting, and i guess that it was just the last straw for the time being. she bugged out on me over something super trivial, and she stopped talking to me, as usual. thursday, i asked her to stop being rude and to stop addressing me as if she was obliged to say something to me. saturday, she brought up the incident, and i took the time out to explain to her that she only concentrates on my negative attributes and how i seem to negatively impact her life. just that morning, she was telling my grandma about her trip to the bar with her coworkers who asked about me. the way she was telling the story, she was highly ashamed to tell them that i go to NCC. and it got me thinking, but i put it in the back of my mind. since my mom brought up what happened the week before, i felt the need to to explain to her that he needs to stop trash talking me and stop looking t me in the negative light. YES, i went to st johns and i didnt do well and i dropped out halfway though the semester cuz i couldnt take it anymore. YES, i humilated her and myself cuz i didnt walk at graduation cuz i know for a fact that not only did i not do my work, but the dean & the principal had it out for me. i had to tell her, straight up that yeah, when she has to recount the story it shames her. but what she fails to realize that, although the past is the past, i do have my random moments where i sit, and im like, 'gee, i wonder how different it wouldve have been if i took that walk?' that i sit and remember how TMLA's 08 graduation was in the Mariel after and i knew from my years of working in the general office that my graduating class had 255 girls and the printout said 254, and i know that in the back of my mind that the ONE motherfucking number was ME? that the graduation rate for that year was 99% and that 1% was me? how does that fucking feel? so yes, i told her, yes mom, i made a fucking mistake, and i pay for it every single fucking day of my life cuz i ended up at a fucking community college instead of busting my hump somewhere thats 'acceptable' to you and the people around you. at least im in school where im comfortable now and i have a drive thats currently keeping me from not failing again. at least im here, 19 years old, not pregnant, not having sex, not doing drugs, STD free, boozer loser boyfriend-less, doing what im supposed to be doing, albeit its a little bit later than what was supposed to be but im doing it nonetheless. i had to tell her that she needed to remember that before anyone else it was just the two of us, so there is no excuse for her to be sitting there acting and saying that im the biggest disappointment shes ever seen. no sorry, it doesnt fucking work like that. it was you and me & no one else. after i explained this to her, she looked like she felt a type of way. we havent brought it back up since then, but i think she got the message.

next topic [yes, im unloading a lot, its been a while]. i have been deemed clinically obese. i am ashamed of what my current weight is right about now, but all i'd like to really share is that im gonna, no mater what it takes, get rid of this fat. and fuck you if you open your mouth and tell me im not. seriously. im tired of it. it is what it is, and if you cant be real with me about how large i dont seem to look, we're not friends. and a double fuck you if you open your mouth to say that its cuz im tall. no. there are girls in my highschool class that were just as tall and half my size. i'll never be a size two, and im okay with that. i have a bigger frame than most, and im okay with that. but the amount of fat i have on my body must fucking go. i just hope that whoever reads this will just pray with me that i actually accomplish this, cuz yesterdays weight analysis was a serious wake up call, and not only do i wanna look good, i wanna feel good, cuz my health is also a factor. so if youre with me, youre with me, if youre not, fuck you. sorry if you feel a type of way about it, but it is what it is. i'll keep you guys posted.

happy new year !

yeah, im like a whole month late, so what? lmao. much has happened, actually:

-im finally back in school after dropping out last semester. yeaaaaah, y'all didnt know about that. *kanyeshrug*

-earthquake in haiti has left me pretty much homeless, but i should be so lucky.

-i somewhat reconnected with who im not sure is my 'dad' all because his daughter ended up dying in the earthquake.

-i havent been thinking about my best friend. AT ALL. :)

-i got a job.

-ive changed churches and im networking/being social.

aaaaaand a lot of other things i cant remember right now.

im at a decent place in my life right now. not good, not bad, just... constant. im trying to move towards the good but its a lot harder than i thought. but its okay, i know i'll get through it. im really happy about the church thing, as well as being employed. i like NCC better than STJ not because its better in any aspect but because i know that i dont have to live up to any social expectations. im fine where im at, but im setting the bar higher all the time.

retracing my steps.

i was on twitter just now, and im trying to put all the pieces together on why i say some of the reckless shit i say on twitter, especially about my sexuality, or lack thereof, really. you ever like, retrace your thoughts from over the years? i just did, and i got a strange reality check.

i think my insecurities about myself and my body and everything rooted from the fifth grade when i went to a new school, Lawrence Woodmere Academy. it was so white, there were deadass only 4 black kids in my fifth grade class, myself included, and there was only one fifth grade class, so you can only imagine. now, the one other black girl wasnt my friend cuz she made it into the 'popular crew, and the other two were obv, guys and they were well liked too. i was left with the misfits, and even they didnt like me from time to time. you wold think that we werent that developed in thinking back then, but honestly, i felt like we were already in high school in that place.

anyways, i tried so desperately to try to get on the good side of those popular girls, but they wouldnt budge. i said and did the most OUTLANDISH things possible, and any little attention they gave me, i ate it up, only for it to be gone by the end of the day. even in the locker room one time, the girls were talking about how they knew some of us wanted to be best friends with them, i remember saying under my breath & kind of out loud that they had no idea, and they LAUGHED at me. =/ to understand at 9 or 10 years old that girls didnt wanna even CONSIDER letting you be 'popular' was a shot in the heart, deadass. even at the end of the year, one of thie kids was gonna have a summer party and the other black girl, jestina let it slip to me that it was happening, and this kid got soo tight at her cuz he motioned that i wasnt invited. trust me, by then i kind of had given up, but i was still sad nonetheless. i ended up, obviously, surviving without their friendship. but either way, it was a serious blow to my self-esteem.

as i look back on that dreadful year, i also recall another incident: my best friend at te time, nicole, took the cheese bus home with a bunch of other kids in her neighborhood. now, keep in mind, this school goes from pre-k to 12th grade. she and i made friends with this one ninth grader, zach, and his best friend whose name i dont remember at all. anyways one day, nicle came to me and told me that the only reason he talked to me after school was that he wanted to have sex with me. like, WTF DO YOU WANT WITH A FIFTH GRADER?! c'mon son! i wass so shocked, i laughed it off. i simply told her to tell zach that i wasnt that kind of girl. then i went home and REALLY thought about it, and how scared i was cuz nicole didnt tell him that i knew, and i was scared shitless that he would still try to touch me, ambush me in the bathroom or somewhere else on the school's humongous grounds. the next day, i went to one of my teachers and told her, shaking and crying. she told the dean, and zach had said he only said it as a joke. he ended up getting suspended.

i think back on this & im like daaaaaaaaaamn, like, im really fucked up. i always knew this one school year of my life altered the way i felt about myself, but now im REALLY thinking about it, that after 10 years, this is still affecting the way i think about myself and how i go about my life. im extremely shy. i dont really let guys into my life. i trash talk myself no matter how many people try to reassure me otherwise because i think theyre just saying it just to say it. im paranoid most of the time because i dont know how people really feel about me. i even think im still a virgin because my mind subconsciously reminds me of this time in my life. i dunno, its just something im recognizing. i think i need a bit of help to pry away from these feelings.

shit, now that i know, i dont even know how to even feel about this. =/

its getting cold outside...

the cold weather brings about feelings of wanting to stay inside with your booski and just cuddle and such. i have had no such luck in having a booski to settle with. im not bitter about it, but it'd be nice. i was driving just now and i didnt realize how much i miss my best friend, even though he did me wrong. after i let go of all the anger and i calmed down after the whole ordeal and pages and pages of txts, i realized i acted irrational and i blew the whole thing out of proportion. i guess it was just the principle of the thing that made me so angry. but now all i wanna do is for him to come over my house like before and we just hang out semi platonically. is that so wrong? i dont know how to feel about this anymore.

mehhhhh.

:(

is it a crime to want that old thing back?

can it be wrong to miss the way you used to kiss me?

back in the day,

back to the way you used to love me...

sigh. i think im in over my head.

cant believe that its over, baby.

its over.

it's done.

i finally did it.

i finally let go.

well, maybe not all the way.

the good news is, we're still friends. the bad news is, no more free nookie for antoinette :( / ;) look, im not ashamed. i welcome such things [with him anyways], even if it is ill-gotten. [to a certain extent, of course.] but anyways, yeah. i had to let him know that i wasnt gonna stand for being second anymore. i told him to get his shit together and come talk to me when he gets his feelings in order. i have too much shit on my plate as it is to worry about whether the fuck not he's gonna leave his girlfriend for me. nope. no time for that. life is moving on, and its moving hella fast. no time for games and bullshit. hes my best friend, and i love him, whether its on those terms or something deeper. its gonna take a while to fully erase everything ive gone through with him, cuz for the past few days, i was hoping and praying that i could take it all back, that i never liked him, never fell for him, never messed around, never explored new territories [stop me if im getting to graphic, lmao.] but the fact of the matter is that i cant change any of it. when its my time, if its ever my time, it will come.

its pretty funny

that the meaning behind Lady GaGa's new song, Bad Romance is about being in love with your best friend, etc. its kinda like, finally, a song that explains why i cant move on. kinda. mostly i think it just voices exactly what my head is telling my heart.

so, despite some negative opinion, im getting, "je veux ton amour, et je veux ton revenge." tatted on me next week. :) im sorry, im a sucker. but that doesnt mean what i said in my last blog isnt what im gonna do. or whatever. i just like to blather so i can think straight.

anyhow, ive given up of the home exercises most ly cuz my body was howling at me, but that was a good thing. so i should really go work out after this. i have to get ready for gerards party somehow in the next week and a half. celery sticks and carrots for the win.