:(

is it a crime to want that old thing back?

can it be wrong to miss the way you used to kiss me?

back in the day,

back to the way you used to love me...

sigh. i think im in over my head.

cant believe that its over, baby.

its over.

it's done.

i finally did it.

i finally let go.

well, maybe not all the way.

the good news is, we're still friends. the bad news is, no more free nookie for antoinette :( / ;) look, im not ashamed. i welcome such things [with him anyways], even if it is ill-gotten. [to a certain extent, of course.] but anyways, yeah. i had to let him know that i wasnt gonna stand for being second anymore. i told him to get his shit together and come talk to me when he gets his feelings in order. i have too much shit on my plate as it is to worry about whether the fuck not he's gonna leave his girlfriend for me. nope. no time for that. life is moving on, and its moving hella fast. no time for games and bullshit. hes my best friend, and i love him, whether its on those terms or something deeper. its gonna take a while to fully erase everything ive gone through with him, cuz for the past few days, i was hoping and praying that i could take it all back, that i never liked him, never fell for him, never messed around, never explored new territories [stop me if im getting to graphic, lmao.] but the fact of the matter is that i cant change any of it. when its my time, if its ever my time, it will come.

its pretty funny

that the meaning behind Lady GaGa's new song, Bad Romance is about being in love with your best friend, etc. its kinda like, finally, a song that explains why i cant move on. kinda. mostly i think it just voices exactly what my head is telling my heart.

so, despite some negative opinion, im getting, "je veux ton amour, et je veux ton revenge." tatted on me next week. :) im sorry, im a sucker. but that doesnt mean what i said in my last blog isnt what im gonna do. or whatever. i just like to blather so i can think straight.

anyhow, ive given up of the home exercises most ly cuz my body was howling at me, but that was a good thing. so i should really go work out after this. i have to get ready for gerards party somehow in the next week and a half. celery sticks and carrots for the win.

caught in a bad romance.

"nothing lasts forever and we both know that hearts can change... its hard to hold a candle in this cold november rain." - Guns N Roses.

sometimes i hate the feeling like, as mad as i am at somebody for what they did to me, i cant stop thinking about them. i found out from a friend of mine that my friend-with-shady-benefits did me reeeeeeaaalllll dirty, in all sense of the word, yet i catch myself thinking all these thoughts, some good, some bad. mostly of whats gonna happen next week when he comes home for vacation, and god forbid he tries to start something up, and im gonna muster up all the courage i have and the courage i know i dont have and shatter the fuck out of his ego. im entitled to it. my worry is that our friendship will finally be over after this because its been a year of this back and forth bullshit, me hating him, us not talking, rude comments, etc. not to mention the secrecy and pretending like nothing ever happened. i never talk about myself in a conceited fashion, but ive realized im too good for this. really i am. and best friend or not, im not gonna let anyone take any fucking advantage of me anymore. they say you cant help who you love, but right about now, fuck that love shit cuz im tired of this one sided-ness. deadass, if anything happens next week, once and for all, its done. the only thing i gotta wait to find out is if done means DONE.

...but idk if im ready to take that risk.

motivation.

i need something to look forward to so i can have some type motivation to lose this weight. i KINDA have one, but i wont put it cuz im what Noelle calls a BSAF [bull-shittin' ass female]. the reasons why i wanna lose this weight in the next week and a half is a disgrace on my part, so im going to ignore it and do what i wanna ! =)

also, i think im getting my tattoo next week ! im changing the location of the tat that says "the world will never do" cuz on my ribcage, i want a bible verse in french. now i have to start reading the bible :) lmaooooo.

go antoinette !

natural beauty.

going natural, hair wise. this is one of the best ideas ive had in a while, cuz the hasle of trying to take care and manage my hair in a million different ways i starting to kill me. no more braids for a hot damn while, jsyk. i cant. i really cant.

the next step though, is working my way down. im throwing away all my old cheap, broken makeup and starting anew. i dont know the first think about makeup, but im going out and getting some basic eyeliner, mascara, and two or three eyeshadows to start me off. im trying to work into this new look, even if it is for a little while. and then im working in my weightloss + wardrobe, etc.

but y'all already knew this. ;)

body mutilations.

tattoos:

- bow on my foot [i changed my mind].

- "the world will never do" on my ribcage.

- "je veux ton amour, et je veux ton revenge." on my hip.

piercings:

- industrial.

- nose ring for my birthday.

- surface piercing next to my tragus.

- snake eyes [ignore the cooked bitch, lol]

- aaaaand a bellybutton ring if i ever get skinny.

that is all. [?]