epidemic/pandemic.

niggas [meaning boys of our generation] simply do not know how to act.

yet they think theyre gonna get the best of me.

... they dont know im five steps ahead of them.

eat my dust.

deleted.

i removed my blog post not because im afraid, but because it was brought to my attention that although im entitled to vent, it was just ever so slightly petty of me. no more negative energy cuz when i go back and reread it, i'll just get mad. if ive done any damage already, so be it.

peace & love.

this should be my assignment, lol.

so i have to write an assignment for my second english class, and i havent the slightest idea what to write or how to write it. we came up with some 'philosophical' questions, questions that cant really be answered, but somehow we have to respond to it in any form we want. im not really artistically inclined: i cant write poetry, cant write a song either, which is basically the same thing, really. so im stuck for the most part.

the question im trying to answer, is, "what happens when your morals and taught/developed ethics conflict with your desires?" considering my last post, you can obviously tell what i was feeling at the moment.

i was taught, as we basically all were, to not give into temptation, and treat your body like a temple and stay a virgin until we're married and blah blah blah. all of that is important, but then life happens. in terms of me, im a virgin by choice, despite the fact that my love life lacks. but im not gonna get into that. im learning in philosophy that many philosophers believed that in order to "be one", you must deprive yourself of the appetites. at our age the most obvious is sex, which was the basis behind my question. but thats not the only one. some people desire to do certain things with their lives, or want to pursue a certain path. but theyre too worried about what people might think or whether or not, even though they think its the way to go, will it ultimately be beneficial to them in the long run? will it pan out the way they want it to, or will they fail and have to endure the ridicule and "i-told-you-so"'s?

i guess what the answer kinda is is that no matter what, you still have to take any slight chance, regardless of how you were taught or what the outcome may be. in my situation however, im gonna be a little bit more careful, because you have to be that way when it comes to matters of the heart. other than that, you can go about your business any which way because even though it might be against what you and others believe in, if you feel good about the outcome, then its good either way you spin it.

delirious !

okay, so i FINALLY got back into my blog, after resetting my stupid password, smh. but whatever, all is well with the world, and i can blog now !

[btw, my thoughts are really kinda jumbled up in this next one, but as im blogging, im trying to understand what happened monday night, so please forgive my rambling.]

hopefully my big brother or my cousin dont read this [but if you guys do, there was nothing i could do to avoid it], but if you've been following my twitter, you've noticed that im realizing the hard way that your conscience is not one to be fucked with.

my best friend rolls back into NY for Dominic Murray's funeral, God rest his soul. thats all fine and dandy. i was half expecting his arrival, but not for the reason i just stated. my mom & grandma were blowing my dxck cuz my entire family suspected something was up between us nearly two summers ago. in any case, he came over and we got caught up, and shot a game of billiards in my basement. we were nearly at the end of it when he points out an open button on my flannel shirt, literally pointing. i guess thats what caused the dominoes to fall, not to sound so cliche. its his cue to leave, so i walk him to the door, jokingly kicking him out and he refused to give me a hug. he just tells me to get on AIM, he had to 'holla at me about something real quick.'

this is not the first time this has happened, so i take the bait, expecting something stupid, because more often than not, that statement is almost always followed by something incredibly stupid and pointless, getting my hopes up for something i dont know what to expect, only leaving me feeling terribly idiotic. smh. [sorry about the run-on.]

sigh. long story short, he asked me if he could come over. naturally, i said yes, but instantly i regretted it, because i've heard it from many boys: when they ask to come over, theryre expecting something. then again, i didnt think anything much of it either, considering the last three weeks of his last visit were kinda hectic, and we had come to a parting of the ways; we would only be friends.

but, at 230am, he came through my basement door. and we sat on my couch, joking and lauging, watching king of the hill & the fresh prince. he slid his arm around my waist... and i gave in.

[hold your horses, now ! my business is still intact, in case you were wondering.] but we did hook up. worst part? his girlfriend's just a borough over. and i knew. and he knew. and now im going crazy because its wrong, yet it feels gooooood. i posted on my twitter last night this question: Is there a reason that no matter what, that which is intangible and unattainable is what we want the most? this is the age old question. [another cliche, yes, i know.] my insides are going nuts because i think i want him, but i cant have him because he's taken. and he's the kind of person that wont tell you how he feels, so another part of my insides keeps asking me if im just his sideline ho, cuz thats really what its looking like. im not proud saying any of this, but it is what it is. and really, as im typing thins, i really wish i had more respect for myself, because if i did, it is most likely that none of this would be happening. but, idk, i cant help it for some reason.

on the other side, im worried that if he ever does break up with his girlfriend, will he still have respect for me, or will he just bypass me, knowing that im somewhat easily accessible? i made the [i guess] mistake that if i ever thought to change my mind about losing my virginity before marriage, theres no one in the world i would trust more than him, because he is my best friend, and we have obviously had dealings in this subject matter before. he's not the kind of person that would take advantage of that, but in these times, i have to still be on the lookout for my feelings, dignity & self worth. oh, and dont even get me started on the karma end on this, because when it bites me in the ass for this, i cannot complain, and thats gonna kill me. :(

i didnt come to a conclusion with this blog, but now that i do have it back, im hoping that when i reread this, i'll have an answer.

bye for now. :)