fresh starts are always good.

with the first day of school looming near [even though some of you mightve started school already] i feel like i should set some legitimate goals for myself and stick to them. even though i just turnd 19 three months ago, 20 is just around the corner, and i feel like im not where i should be. and even though you should do you and not really give a fuck about what people say, its nice to step back and hear the praises youve been given, and although slightly embarrassing, listen to people brag about you, namely my mother and grandmother. imma keep it 100, the graduation thing was all fucked up, and i really havent been able to/done anything to bounce back from it. my cousin told me, 'you can lead a horse to water, but you cant make it drink.' or something like that, lol. people have been laying the foundation for me for the past couple of years and now its up to me to follow the paths, cuz no one can REALLY help me but myself. and i thank God that even though i know i cant help myself, i have people that care about me ohdee that have stuck by me throughout my greatest failure[s].

anyways, back to the original topic, my goals. and this time, theyre serious ones, not just how im gonna mutilate my body [that'll come later ;) lmao].

- register for school.

-get my GPA up.

- actually try to keep an open mind about st johns and try to make friends.

- find a well paying job, even in this recession. stj isnt gonna pay itself, smh. -___-

- i really wanna lose 20lbs cuz im tryna get healthy. looking good will be a side effect, lol.

- to gain focus and drive.

- to become more literary and well-rounded.

- spend more time with myself.

and theres more to come along the way cuz as each day passes, im gonna learn how to better myself even more, and part of living is about adapting to the change around me. and notice i didnt put anything about a boyfirend; im tryna worry about myself. niggas hese days dont know how to act, and im not tryna get all caught up and lose my focus. and besides, theres a rarity of boys who are gonna take me as i am, they just wanna find some next bitch for a quick fix and im not about that.

& thats all there is.

bye bestfriend?

bid my bffl of all my life adieu today. yuck why am i talking like this?

anyways, whatever.

idk how to feel about this. im not crying, although i have this pang in my head that tells me i should. and im feeling some type of way, cuz like, even though the goodbye was more formal than last year, it still feels like theres still some unanswered questions and unspoken statements. things kinda popped off [as well as clothes] so theres a void where an explanation should be. dont get me wrong, i was trying to avoid all this under all circumstances. this feeling, i mean. questioning, wondering, expectation. i forced myself not to become attached cuz i knew i wasnt allowed to. im still not, so why do i feel this way? i guess its because i am incapable of holding onto the thought and the belief that [most] things that happen between two people on a certain level can never be considered as not special. im incapable of understanding that you cant avoid a chemistry, no matter what kind it is. cuz eventually the chemicals will react, aly & aj said it best [dont judge me, lol.] sigh, but with that, it fizzles over, and you get what i got: a best friend you feel taboo feelings for, and him the same way. what do you do? wait it out. thats the best we CAN do.