enough's enough.

saturday was a little rough for me. i guess you can say that i finally set the record straight with my mom. we're always fighting, and i guess that it was just the last straw for the time being. she bugged out on me over something super trivial, and she stopped talking to me, as usual. thursday, i asked her to stop being rude and to stop addressing me as if she was obliged to say something to me. saturday, she brought up the incident, and i took the time out to explain to her that she only concentrates on my negative attributes and how i seem to negatively impact her life. just that morning, she was telling my grandma about her trip to the bar with her coworkers who asked about me. the way she was telling the story, she was highly ashamed to tell them that i go to NCC. and it got me thinking, but i put it in the back of my mind. since my mom brought up what happened the week before, i felt the need to to explain to her that he needs to stop trash talking me and stop looking t me in the negative light. YES, i went to st johns and i didnt do well and i dropped out halfway though the semester cuz i couldnt take it anymore. YES, i humilated her and myself cuz i didnt walk at graduation cuz i know for a fact that not only did i not do my work, but the dean & the principal had it out for me. i had to tell her, straight up that yeah, when she has to recount the story it shames her. but what she fails to realize that, although the past is the past, i do have my random moments where i sit, and im like, 'gee, i wonder how different it wouldve have been if i took that walk?' that i sit and remember how TMLA's 08 graduation was in the Mariel after and i knew from my years of working in the general office that my graduating class had 255 girls and the printout said 254, and i know that in the back of my mind that the ONE motherfucking number was ME? that the graduation rate for that year was 99% and that 1% was me? how does that fucking feel? so yes, i told her, yes mom, i made a fucking mistake, and i pay for it every single fucking day of my life cuz i ended up at a fucking community college instead of busting my hump somewhere thats 'acceptable' to you and the people around you. at least im in school where im comfortable now and i have a drive thats currently keeping me from not failing again. at least im here, 19 years old, not pregnant, not having sex, not doing drugs, STD free, boozer loser boyfriend-less, doing what im supposed to be doing, albeit its a little bit later than what was supposed to be but im doing it nonetheless. i had to tell her that she needed to remember that before anyone else it was just the two of us, so there is no excuse for her to be sitting there acting and saying that im the biggest disappointment shes ever seen. no sorry, it doesnt fucking work like that. it was you and me & no one else. after i explained this to her, she looked like she felt a type of way. we havent brought it back up since then, but i think she got the message.

next topic [yes, im unloading a lot, its been a while]. i have been deemed clinically obese. i am ashamed of what my current weight is right about now, but all i'd like to really share is that im gonna, no mater what it takes, get rid of this fat. and fuck you if you open your mouth and tell me im not. seriously. im tired of it. it is what it is, and if you cant be real with me about how large i dont seem to look, we're not friends. and a double fuck you if you open your mouth to say that its cuz im tall. no. there are girls in my highschool class that were just as tall and half my size. i'll never be a size two, and im okay with that. i have a bigger frame than most, and im okay with that. but the amount of fat i have on my body must fucking go. i just hope that whoever reads this will just pray with me that i actually accomplish this, cuz yesterdays weight analysis was a serious wake up call, and not only do i wanna look good, i wanna feel good, cuz my health is also a factor. so if youre with me, youre with me, if youre not, fuck you. sorry if you feel a type of way about it, but it is what it is. i'll keep you guys posted.

happy new year !

yeah, im like a whole month late, so what? lmao. much has happened, actually:

-im finally back in school after dropping out last semester. yeaaaaah, y'all didnt know about that. *kanyeshrug*

-earthquake in haiti has left me pretty much homeless, but i should be so lucky.

-i somewhat reconnected with who im not sure is my 'dad' all because his daughter ended up dying in the earthquake.

-i havent been thinking about my best friend. AT ALL. :)

-i got a job.

-ive changed churches and im networking/being social.

aaaaaand a lot of other things i cant remember right now.

im at a decent place in my life right now. not good, not bad, just... constant. im trying to move towards the good but its a lot harder than i thought. but its okay, i know i'll get through it. im really happy about the church thing, as well as being employed. i like NCC better than STJ not because its better in any aspect but because i know that i dont have to live up to any social expectations. im fine where im at, but im setting the bar higher all the time.